Weekend

This weekend felt like it went by SO fast.

Friday night after work, Dale and I met Liz and Eric at the Rusty Bucket for dinner. After that, we went home and chilled. Saturday Blythe and I went to Christy's house to cheer her up and keep her company while her husband took her mom back home. Then that night, Dale and I met Blythe, Justin, Andrew and Sherry at the Winking Lizard to watch the OSU game. Today we met Liz, Eric and his friend Cassandra who is in town from Texas at Creekside for breakfast, then it was napping, a haircut, Panera and TV tonight. And tomorrow is back to the grind. :-(

I need two more days off.

CR-V vs. Deer

I was driving home after work on Tuesday and hit a deer. It's always been a fear of mine, but I never really thought it would happen on an interstate in the city. I was not injured. My airbags did not deploy. But the preliminary estimate is at $6800 but they haven't even began tearing it down to see what mechanical repairs will need to be made. That number could climb substantially.

Here's the damage:

A Year Ago

If a year ago you had asked me what my plans were for the following Saturday, I would not have been able to tell you. As a rather impulsive, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of guy, I've always had a rather myopic view of life. Last year was even more so, as my entire world hinged on my mother's terminal illness and impending passage. I won't recount the experience now. In fact, I haven't even been reliving it as much in my mind as I had anticipated. While I don't believe that Time heals all wounds, it does make life sufferable in the wake of loss.

The last year has been an experience like nothing I've faced. A year of unimaginable sadness and profound grief, as well as realization, hope and love.

Losing a parent is one of those things that you don't understand until you've faced it yourself. It's like a lifetime membership in a club that no one wants to join, but whose members are a comfort to each other. And when a new member joins, the collective feels their pain all over again.

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of my mother's passing. My sister and I wondered if we would get a sign. Hers was a hummingbird (mom loved them) flying into her garage while she and her boys were going into the house from the car. Mine was different. I haven't seen a monarch butterfly all summer, but...

I interpret phone calls into American Sign Language at my part-time job. I went all year without hearing my mom's name while on a call. Her name is fairly unique, and I would have remembered. But this week I heard it Tuesday night, Thursday night, and during an unexpected shift Saturday evening.

I miss you, Mom.













"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
~Dr. Seuss~

Noodles & Company = Epic Fail

I really want to like Noodles & Co. The food isn't bad; it's the service. I would say that six out of ten times that I've eaten there, they get my order wrong. This is at the Polaris location AND the location on 256. I've ordered Tuscan Linguine with sauteed spinach. They forgot the spinach and wanted to bring it to me on the side. I made them remake it. I've ordered Pad Thai TWICE and asked for it without sprouts. Twice they've given me sprouts. Today the manager came out and said it would be just a little while longer, they put sprouts in it and were remaking it. So they bring me the remade dish and guess what...there were sprouts in it. I picked what I could off and made the best of it.

The employees piddle around, trying to look busy. They move slowly. They don't hustle, or seem to be interested in getting things done.

Don't go. Save yourself the frustration.

Movie-Goer Etiquette

Dale and I went to Easton AMC to see "Hancock" last night. While the movie itself wasn't that bad, the experience was horrible. People do not know how to behave at the movie theater.

If you're going to go to a movie, please get there on time. And by on time, I mean at least 10 minutes early. There is nothing worse than watching a movie and knowing the inciting incident is unfolding on the screen, only to see a group of seven or so teenagers come strolling in giggling and looking for a good seat and discussing their options loudly.

You're probably thinking it could be worse and you're right...it got worse. People were taking calls during the movie. And probably about 10 people kept flipping their cell phone open to text during the movie, their screens lighting up the theater like giant rude fireflies.

I hate rude people.

Independence Day

It's turned out to be a good holiday weekend so far. I had to work Thursday evening doing video relay, but the call queue was pretty light. I didn't get to see Red, White and Boom, but maybe next year. Actually I did see a little of them. When I got off on Broad Street, I could see a little them in the distance. I did listen to the soundtrack on WNCI, and I teared up a little bit. Dale's brother Joe is a marine and did two tours in Iraq, but made it home safely. I am so grateful for that, and it pained me to think about all of the men and women who didn't make it home, and how the Fourth of July, which always was so celebratory, now has a very sad undertone.

Today we're going to Costco to get a few things for Dale's family, and then we'll stop by out there and drop it off. And I have GOT to clean my bathroom.

New Look

I updated the look of my blog. I thought maybe if it were more interesting, I might be more inclined to blog. Time will tell. This current theme might only be on here for a few days, since I"m not in love with it. But I will eventually come up with something I like.

Carpenter Ants

Don't let the cartoon fool you; carpenter ants are not cute or cuddly. We've had a little infestation. The occasional ant is not unusual, but when you walk into your bathroom and find five of them in toolbelts going over blueprints and planning a jihad, it's not a good thing.

Orkin came and the ants are now slowly dying of poison. Better living through chemicals (or a slow painful death through chemicals). Is the glass half empty or half full?

Happy New Year!

Dale and I had a low-key NYE. For the second year in a row, we've gone to his friends' house, Gary and Angi. They're what I call Dale's "camping friends." They don't hang out much except in the spring - fall, when they camp a few times. When not camping, they stay in touch via phone and email.

Their daughter Dena was there, and the five of us hung out and played Wii all night. Last year we played pool and darts and listened to music.

Santa visited our house a couple days after Christmas and brought us a 50" plasma HDTV. The picture is AMAZING. I also got Dale an iPhone for Christmas, because he kept hijacking mine and it was the only way to get mine back. Merry Christmas to me; I got my phone back.

Tomorrow is back to the daily grind and the Holidays are completely over. I'm a little bummed, but also a little relieved.

There's Something I've Yet To Do...

As the Christmas season draws to a close, it feels like there's something I need to do. Something I'm forgetting...but I'm not forgetting. I remember what it is I should do; but I'm unable to. Yesterday and today I've had the desire to call my mom and tell her about Christmas. How good it was to see Roger, Karen and their families. Of course she's not home, and her cell phone number has been reassigned. I know this because I texted her last night, in case there are text messages in the afterlife. I texted MERRY CHRISTMAS MOM, I MISS YOU to her cell number. She texted back WHO IS THIS? Of course it wasn't her, but a very surprised US Cellular customer. I replied that the number had been my mom's, who had passed in September. They replied with condolences.

Last Christmas was the first Christmas that I was with Dale and his first Christmas with my family. Mom wasn't feeling well, so I wasn't expecting much fanfare. To my surprise the house was completely decorated and she had baked every kind of candy and cookie I ever remembered her making, including buckeyes. In hindsight, I think she knew that it would be her last Christmas with us. With hindsight's clarity comes regret, though, and if I had known it was her last Christmas I can think of a thousand things I would've done differently.

Merry Christmas, Mom. I miss you.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and GO BUCKS!

The Weekend

Well...Dale and I had a fantastic weekend. Saturday night his brothers and their significant others came over for mini corn dogs, pizza, and Wii. His brothers are really great guys, and we had a lot of fun.

Sunday we had lunch with Liz at BW3 and then went to Easton where I bought a cord that allows me to play music from iPhone through the auxiliary input on the stereo in my CR-V.

Speaking of the CR-V (and you knew I would), it is amazing. It's the first new car I've owned, and it's constantly surprising me with thoughtful features. For example, if my front wipers are on but my rear wiper isn't, if I put it in reverse the rear wiper wipes twice to make sure I have a clear view behind me. And last week in the 5" of snow that we got, it didn't spin at all. Ever. And I went driving on some unplowed side streets north of town. And the Vehicle Stability Assist (VSA--Honda's name for traction control) activated a couple times to make sure I stayed on my intended path.

To sum it up, I couldn't be more pleased.

Honda CR-V

Well...at the ripe old age of 33, I purchased my first brand new car. For the last two years, I've had a 2003 Honda Civic Hybrid that I bought used in January of 2006. It had been a great little car, but since it had high miles when I bought it, the miles had crept up to 121,000 and I no longer felt comfortable taking in on long trips. Also, the house that we moved into in June is on a hill, and our driveway is rather steep. Also, I'd been wanting an all-wheel drive vehicle for a while in preparation of winter weather. Having done a lot of research online, and then test driving one last Saturday, last night I bought a new Honda CR-V EX AWD. It's black with a tan interior, which is one of my favorite color combinations for a vehicle. Dale has a 2006 CR-V that is black with a black leather interior. Looking at my CR-V on the lot, I didn't think that it was that much like Dale's. But when I parked next to his in the garage last night, the similarities are very obvious.

Here are some pics of my new baby. :-)

Daydreaming

I'm at Panera for the second afternoon in a row. I get more work done here, and honestly I don't have the fixins to make the Turkey and Bacon Bravo sandwich at home. I was getting a lot of work done, until this brat at the next table decided his lungs needed some exercise and he began screaming and wailing rather loudly. I'm in the "business" corner of Panera, with a couple of business women who seem to be independent insurance agents. The one is very loud and has a lot of makeup and a bad perm. But I digress...

As the child sat there screaming with his too-young-to-know-what-to-do parents, I wondered if it would be wrong to vanquish a screaming brat, providing I had Piper's power to blow things up at will.

Recovery

Well...I've been gone a long time. I was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia. It was a long week, and I got out the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. After my mom died, I poured myself into work. I was working my full-time job and about 20 hours a week in the evening for a total of about 60 hours a week. Couple that with fitful, restless sleep and eating fast food and it was a recipe for getting sick. I'm a lot better now, and it feels good to be back at work and able to go out without feeling like ass.

The silver lining is that I lost about 15 pounds in the hospital. I had no appetite and hospital food isn't exactly tempting. I have on a pair of pants and a sweater that I haven't been able to wear in over a year. My goal is to not gain any of it back, and to lose a little more until I get to my ideal weight. That's proven a little difficult because I have this HUGE appetite now. Fortunately we stocked the house with healthy snacks and a lot of fruit, which is what I've been eating when I'm hungry for a snack.

Dale was a champ throughout my hospitalization, bringing me food, magazines, and anything else I asked for. Tonight will be my first night back doing Video Relay Service (VRS) interpreting.

Okay...work beckons. Back to it.

Update

Hmmm....Thanksgiving is looming over the horizon, but I just can't get into the holiday spirit yet. I'm supposed to travel to Missouri and have Thanksgiving with my sister and brother and their families on Thanksgiving day. That means I'll probably have to leave Wednesday night and drive half-way in order to make it in time. But getting Thanksgiving done early means I'll get to come home early and have at least Sunday to relax, maybe Saturday too.

My car is apparently fixed. Honda kept my car for two days and found a few leaks in the crankshaft seal. Four hundred dollars later, and I am apparently not leaking any oil. I guess we'll find out at my next oil change.

I finally have a family doctor. I have been getting by with the occasional Urgent Care visit, but decided I needed a regular physician. She's really nice... probably about thirteen years old. I like having a female doctor. She asked some questions about how I was coping with my mother's death, and I could tell she really listened to me. I liked the look-you-in-the-eye attentiveness, but it nearly made me cry in her office. She gave me some Cymbalta samples to see if I will tolerate it well. I haven't started taking them yet, though.

Current challenges: my bathroom toilet is leaking. This will require calling a plumber. This is in addition to calling a refrigerator tech to come this week to figure out why our ice/water dispenser is no longer working. Probably the filter, but neither Dale nor I can find it. Time to call in the professionals.

Saturday night TV sucks ass big time. And OSU lost to Illinois. That blows, too.

Aftermath

I couldn't really think of an appropriate title for this post, and "Aftermath" might seem a little melodramatic. But fuck it.

I got my laptop back; big relief. I hated being without it, though I did have my new iPhone to tide me over until I got it back. Yeah...I caved and bought one. I was hesitant to buy one because I have an iPod that I don't use that much. But I figured that I don't use it much because it's a pain to carry it around, in addition to my cell phone. And the iPod only works with headphones; the iPhone has an external speaker so I can use it without headphones.

My car is also freshly-painted. I just have to take it to Honda next week for them to find a mysterious oil leak. I bought an extended warranty, so it should be covered.

I'm still having a harder time dealing with my mom's death than I thought I would. I'm sure to most of my coworkers and friends it seems I'm getting on okay. Dale knows that I'm a little bit of a mess. I just feel "off" and I can't think of another way to put it. I'm on the verge of the flu or something. I've felt a little feverish and nauseous. But I'm not actually sick yet...I just feel blech. And when you're sick, the one person who can make everything better is Mom. And then I start to feel sad that she's not here to make me feel better, which leads to pangs of guilt because she WAS very sick and very scared and I wasn't with her for the whole last week of her life. She was scared and dying and I left her. I just didn't expect her to go as quickly as she did. I got to spend the whole month of August there and much of June and July. And logically I know that I did what I was capable of, and that I did my best and that she loved the time we had together and understood when I couldn't be there. But knowing that doesn't really make me feel any better or less guilty. I find myself crying off and on, without provocation. The holidays are coming up, so that is going to be even harder. I just feel lost and alone and sad.

More than you wanted on the day before a weekend. Hopefully the weekend will be good. Friday night Apple is releasing Leopard (new operating system) so I'll pick that up. We're also supposed to go to the Winking Lizard, but I'm not sure if I'm in a social mood. Saturday night is Liz and Eric's party. That should be fun and I am looking forward to that.

I'm just ready to feel better.

Computer Died

FYI the logic board died on my MacBook. No blogging for 3-5 business days.

It's Over

On Saturday, 9/8/07 my mother lost her battle with cancer. My sister and brother were there with her, I was about 7 miles from Illinois on Interstate 70 when she passed. My sister told her that I was on the way, and she went quickly after that. Throughout her illness, she had always tried to shield me from the worst parts of it. She always put up a fuss when I would empty her port-a-pot or bedpan; she tried to hide the fact that she was spitting up blood. I believe she did not want me to see her wide scared eyes or hear the death rattle as her lungs filled with fluid.

While there were parts of the service that were not what I think Mom would have wanted, there were parts of the service that were really beautiful. Family and friends turned out in scores. My dad stayed the whole time Monday night for the viewing and also on Tuesday for the funeral. My sister Shelly, whom I'm not as close to as I hope to be, came from Perryville for the funeral and burial. My brother Randy served as a pall bearer. Shelly and Randy were my mom's step children for 14 years; she helped raise them. My cousin Theresa and her husband and kids came from Jefferson City for the viewing. My dad and mom were each others' one true love. The happiest times of my mother's life was when she was with my dad and his family (all of whom came and stayed for hours on Monday night and Tuesday). My mom's first husband and his wife were there, both of whom I adore. My mom's remaining brother and sister and their families were all there, and provided a tremendous amount of support. My late aunts' and uncles' children were there. It was really nice to hear stories about my mom that I had not heard before.

The most beautiful parts of the whole process so far are the very clear signs that mom has sent our way. While my sister, brother, aunt, uncle and step dad were seated at the cemetery, a monarch butterfly lit on the spray of flowers next to her casket. It slowly moved it's wings, and then danced around her plot before flying away. My mom has always loved butterflies. She used butterfly appliques around the house often, and even used little press-on rhinestones to make a butterfly on her sun glasses when I was a kid. I had wondered if there would be a sign, and there it was. My sister and I both noticed it and began to cry. To me it said, "I'm still here" or "I made it."

Yesterday I drove home to Ohio and cried a bit thinking about how my mom never got to see where I live. I went to bed at 5 AM and slept late today. I went to Target to get a few things, and when I got home I went to get the mail. While I was out by the mailbox, another monarch butterfly flew leisurely by, flitting here and there right in front of me. It's as if she was telling me that she's here.

I'm sure the days ahead are going to be hard. Holidays. Going to the mailbox on my birthday and realizing there will not be a card from mom for the first time in more years than I can remember. Mothers Day, realizing I don't have a mother. Hearing songs on the radio that were "her" songs. I guess I'll live through it, but she left a hole in my life bigger than I had ever imagined she would.

Photos

I went home to my Mom's this weekend and Saturday Karen and I went through a bunch of photos and keepsakes. For me, one photo kind of says everything about the relationship I have with my mother. It was taken on 1/1/1981 by my brother Roger. My mom and I are dancing our first dance of the New Year. My family didn't take down our Christmas decorations until New Year's Day, so the styrofoam Santa head still hangs on the door, along with some of the Christmas cards we had received that year.



You can visit the other photos I scanned by clicking here.