Aftermath

I couldn't really think of an appropriate title for this post, and "Aftermath" might seem a little melodramatic. But fuck it.

I got my laptop back; big relief. I hated being without it, though I did have my new iPhone to tide me over until I got it back. Yeah...I caved and bought one. I was hesitant to buy one because I have an iPod that I don't use that much. But I figured that I don't use it much because it's a pain to carry it around, in addition to my cell phone. And the iPod only works with headphones; the iPhone has an external speaker so I can use it without headphones.

My car is also freshly-painted. I just have to take it to Honda next week for them to find a mysterious oil leak. I bought an extended warranty, so it should be covered.

I'm still having a harder time dealing with my mom's death than I thought I would. I'm sure to most of my coworkers and friends it seems I'm getting on okay. Dale knows that I'm a little bit of a mess. I just feel "off" and I can't think of another way to put it. I'm on the verge of the flu or something. I've felt a little feverish and nauseous. But I'm not actually sick yet...I just feel blech. And when you're sick, the one person who can make everything better is Mom. And then I start to feel sad that she's not here to make me feel better, which leads to pangs of guilt because she WAS very sick and very scared and I wasn't with her for the whole last week of her life. She was scared and dying and I left her. I just didn't expect her to go as quickly as she did. I got to spend the whole month of August there and much of June and July. And logically I know that I did what I was capable of, and that I did my best and that she loved the time we had together and understood when I couldn't be there. But knowing that doesn't really make me feel any better or less guilty. I find myself crying off and on, without provocation. The holidays are coming up, so that is going to be even harder. I just feel lost and alone and sad.

More than you wanted on the day before a weekend. Hopefully the weekend will be good. Friday night Apple is releasing Leopard (new operating system) so I'll pick that up. We're also supposed to go to the Winking Lizard, but I'm not sure if I'm in a social mood. Saturday night is Liz and Eric's party. That should be fun and I am looking forward to that.

I'm just ready to feel better.