House Hunters

Yesterday Dale and I went to Noah's Bark for a pet adoption event for a local Doberman rescue group. There were some cute dogs, but we want a puppy and would prefer to wait until we move to a new house. The condo just went on the market, so we had to stop at Lowe's (the gay Lowe's, Dale tells me)to get a key made for the lockbox. After Lowe's (btw if you're the muscle guy in the blue T-shirt and backward baseball cap...call me, 'kay?) we drove around a nearby neighborhood to see if we should expand our house search to include that area. Well we're driving down Oaklawn and there happens to be an open house. Though it's obviously smaller than we're looking for, we decided to go in anyway.

The kitchen was nice. The yard was nice. So we go downstairs and there's a couple holes that look like were punched in the drywall. I joke and say, "Hey Dale, look! Gloryholes!" So I turn to look at Dale, and in a corner of the basement there is a wooden door with a crotch-level hole cut into it. Holy blowjobs, Bat-man! It really WAS a gloryhole. We open up the door, which reveals a small room. We look up, and there are metal eyelets drilled into the ceiling. Four of them. For a sling, no doubt. I look in the corner, and sure enough--chains are neatly coiled in a milk crate. Jackpot!

With glee, we run upstairs to look for other signs of homosexual activity. The upstairs is mostly bedroom. There is a TV with a DVD player. I lean forward to hit the eject button to see if the cocksucking owner was watching "Dawson's 20-Load Weekend" or an Audrey Hepburn classic. Dale says, "Don't! It might turn on!" I glance over to call him a retard only to find him going through the guy's nightstand. I'm incredulous. Dale yells at me for looking too closely at pictures or books I see when we're going through an open house. Now he's rummaging through a complete stranger's nightstand looking for tawdry evidence of mansex. This is the double standard I live with.

The nightstand yielded only condoms and lube. Disappointed, we left and headed to Champps for an early dinner. And to giddily text message all our friends.